Who could forget this scene that never happened, huh?
Along the same lines as doing collaborative drawings with friends and enemies while doing that thing that comprises far too much of a person’s time, waiting (Usually for fine cakes), now and then I throw a couple of pages of a script at someone for them to continue. Like this one, they never quite reach anything near completion, as nobody can quite reign things in enough to tell a story so much as create a horrific, incomprehensible dreamscape, but there’s usually some amusing stuff in there, nonetheless.
This one’s a few years old now, and like every one of these things, it’s barely a few pages long, and doesn’t get anywhere near an ending, but I hope it inspires you all to live better lives. I couldn’t find the two or so pages that should follow the end of what’s here, but that’s probably for the best.
Besides myself, Eliza Gauger, Rikki Simons, and Eric Trueheart (the only one that actually formatted properly) were responsible for this epic adventure, and I’ve marked where each person takes over.
Feel free to adapt this for your various school plays and charity performances.
THE DESPERATION OF POOPUS GONZALES
JV-------
EXT. MEXICAN BORDER, JUST OFF NEW MEXICO - DAYA dusty, blazing, prickle-bushed hell, but also a path to
freedom for the two lone figures stumbling across the harsh
terrain. In the lead is MANNY GONZALES, a stubby ball of a
man with an incredible moustache, and trailing behind,
toasted brown and scrawny where she isn't bloated huge with
pregnant is LUNCHOLITA GONZALES, who just then, exhausted,
stumbles and falls flat on her huge baby-chamber. She
doesn't hold her arms out to brace for the fall, moaning
feebly as her face impacts with the cracked, scorpion
infested earth. MANNY turns at the sound and calls back to
his failing wife.MANNY
Luncholita, stop dragging your
feet, woman! America is close, I
can smell it. Can't you smell it?LUNCHOLITA
AAARGARAHGRAGHARHG!!He sees that his wife is almost entirely covered in
scorpions, and they are indeed stinging her, not unlike bees.
The writhing, chitinous form of his wife is still face down,
writhing limply, wobbling on the huge belly.MANNY
Luncholita, please.Luncholita moans feebly, muttering gibberish, likely from the
poison. Manny looks around for a shrub, finds one, uproots
it and sweeps the scorpions from his wife, who props herself
up on her arms, looking into the distance past her husband.LUNCHOLITA
We will not make it, Manny. I feel
it. We haven't the strength to
escape this Mexican hell.MANNY
I probably will. I'm feeling okay.LUNCHOLITA
So weak...and hungry.MANNY
I had a hamburger. I ate it when
you weren't looking. It was in my
pants.Luncholita struggles to stand, finally getting on both feet,
sweat pouring from her face as Manny supports her.LUNCHOLITA
I will try, Manny. I will
try...for America!MANNY
CHUPACABRAS!Luncholita follows Manny's horrified eyes and pointing finger
to the distance behind them. Leaving a trail of dust, the
CHUPACABRAS race towards their Mexican prey like guided
rockets towards some Mexicans. They tear at even each other
in a blind rage of hunger as they run and hop.MANNY (CONT'D)
RUN, WOMAN! RUN! THEY SAY YOU ARE
STILL ALIVE WHEN THEY SHIT YOU OUT!Manny and Luncholita run, screaming and yelling as they
attempt to flee the slobbering, screeching monstrosities that
are closing the distance.LUNCHOLITA
Do you see it, Manny! America!MANNY
I see it, LUNCHOLITA! I SEE IT!Just ahead, a fence demarcating the border between the two
countries, but there's no way they'll make it.MANNY (CONT'D)
Wife! We will not make it! We
can't make it! Give my child a
chance for a better life! NOW!Manny picks Luncholita up, aiming her splayed legs at a point
in space just over the fence. As the creatures advance,
Luncholita looks up at her husband, who holds her from
behind, and nods sadly, lovingly, understanding. He
squeezes, she pushes, and the infant is launched over the
fence, trailing blood and gore.LUNCHOLITA
Pooooopusssss!The child snags a leg on the fence, loses the leg and
squishes to an impact on the other side as its parents are
devoured by the screaming creatures.CLOSEUP - LUNCHOLITA'S FACE
Her head jerks and twitches in frame, as chupacabras tear at
her in the background.
A single tear draws a trail through the dust and blood on her
cheek, and is shaken into the dirt. Her husband screams in
the background.LUNCHOLITA (CONT'D)
Live, nino! Live, and be free!MANNY
No, son! Avenge us!LUNCHOLITA
Don't listen to him, little one!
Forget your troubles and truly
LIAAAARRGARARARAAUGH!!!MANNY
Your mother, she is---was a stupid
woman! You shall be known as
slayer of chupacabras! Fulfill
your destiny, my son!Cut to the baby, lying where it landed in the shade of a
cactus. It frowns intently, as babies do, staring at its
parents and waving its three little limbs.Closeup on Manny's moustache.
MANNY (CONT'D)
My son! My soonnnnAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!
EG-------
All is quiet, except for gibbering and eating noises. Pan
down from the baby's head and shoulders, and it is revealed
that the child is a girl!EXT. MEXICAN BORDER - NIGHT
Two cowboys amble along the fence on the Texas side, riding
all-terrain Segways. The rugged tires bounce over the rocks
and brush with ease, kicking up dust in the moonlight. Both
vehicles look as if they've seen a lot of use, and have
undergone upgrades and home repairs. One of the cowboys is
older, and has a cybernetic moustache. He is THE STACHEThe younger cowboy's handlebar-mounted headlight catches the
gleam of babyflesh on the razorwire. He skids to a halt,
spraying gravel. Closeup on his delighted face.SKIDSY
Hot dog, I found another one!The older cowboy is disappointed and frustrated.
THE STACHE
Aw, that ain't fair! You got the
last four!But Skidsy has already devoured the leg. Stache tears off
his Stetson and throws it emphatically to the ground,
covering the sleeping baby, who wakes up and starts to
gurgle.THE STACHE (CONT'D)
What in the sam-fuck...He reaches down and lifts his hat, uncovering the filthy,
blood-crusted, angry baby.SKIDSY
What is it? EEEEYAUGH!! Jesus
Christ!THE STACHE
Stay calm, son! You just hand me
down that neckloop uh yours.The younger man takes off his bolo tie and hands it to his
friend, who is scooping the baby into his hat. Stache
cinches the bolo around the leg stump.SKIDSY
Is it...is it a Mexican, Stache?
Is it, huh?THE STACHE
Sure is, kid. Shot clear over the
fence, by the smell of it. Just
like the others. Now what I can't
figure out, what really chaps my
hide, is how come they don't just
use the turnstile.There is, in fact, a turnstile not ten feet away from this
part of the fence. The fence on either side is covered in
ripped ponchos, sombreros, dead and dying border-runners, and
baby legs. The turnstile, with a lit-up sign above it
(WELCOME TO TEXAS, MEXICANS!), is totally abandoned.RS-------
EXT. TRANSGENDER CLINIC, EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER- NIGHTIt is EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER and a lonely mutant horsetrack
sits abandoned next to the Bobbocat, Kattycat, and Herbert
Transgender clinic somewhere in the south of AMERICA THE
GREAT. Next to the clinic, the remains of this area's once
glorious past are still evident.
Posters of seven-torsoed battle donkeys, the favorite being a
young stallion named CHUNKSTABBER, display the once awesomely
gruesome spectacle of genetically modified donkeys and the
rich bastards who once betted on them. It's all gone now.
All that remains is the clinic next door, lots of tumbleweed,
some hobo skeletons splayed upright with greedy hands still
grasping, some bats humping like mad on the rooftop to the
abandoned cybernetic moustache center across the street.
SONNY NINO GONZALES can be seen sitting in a dirty space suit
at the front of the clinic. He sits alone, contemplating,
smoking a sentiment cigar.SONNY NINO GONZALES
You know, they say the human race
could only survive the Singularity,
the moment all machine on the
Network woke up, by programming the
machines to love humans.SAMMY, THE SENTIENT CIGAR
I know! Stop talking about it!
DAMN IT!A receptionist, a Hello Kitty-like robot in a pink spacesuit
steps out the door and calls SONNY into the clinic.FREAKY ROBOCAT RECEPTIONIST
Miss .. Er ... Mr. Gonzales. Dr.
Robocat will see you now.SONNY gets up and frowns at the receptionist. She had a
history of getting his gender wrong. This ROBOCAT has an
attitude. The ROBOCAT points to SAMMY and shakes her head.FREAKY ROBOCAT RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D)
Your friend will have to stay
outside.SAMMY, THE SENTIENT CIGAR
God Damn it!SONNY NINO GONZALES
We've done this dance before! The
cigar stays with me. You got a
problem with it, take it up Jesus!SONNY points to a lowered trash truck parked across the way.
A giant sign on the side of the truck reads JESUS. A
toothsome gargoyle of a woman drives.ROBOCAT swallows hard and allows SONNY inside the clinic with
SAMMY.SAMMY, THE SENTIENT CIGAR
Smoked dat bitch! Hyach!!!INT. TRANSGENDER CLINIC - NIGHT
Inside the clinic SONNY sits in a red hospital gown on a red
bed in an all red room. A giant neon sign above his head
reads GROW 'EM OR CHOP 'EM! IF NATURE CAN STITCH IT WE CAN
SWITCH IT! YEEEHAW! A FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR in a blue
spacesuit steps into the red room. He winks at the cigar.
SAMMY, THE SENTIENT CIGAR blushes. SONNY sighs in contempt.FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR
Hello Sonny, are the balls finally
stationary?SONNY NINO GONZALES
More or less. I can dance now.
That's all I care about.FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR
Dance?SAMMY, THE SENTIENT CIGAR
The dance of death! Hya!The doctor scratches his robohead in disappointment.
FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR
Still thinking of vengeance, Sonny?SONNY NINO GONZALES
What else is there? I got the
balls now, Doc! The finest in
AMERICA THE GREAT! I'm a man now!
I can do things no human girl could
ever dream of! I know maths! And
as a man who's ready to crunch some
numbers, I'm gonna ADD some lead to
those CHUPACABRAS' diet! And Lead
ain't foods.The doctor shakes his head and throws a red x-ray up on the
lighted wall.FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR
Not with these balls you won't!SAMMY drops from SONNY's mouth with a sentient squeal.
SONNY NINO GONZALES
My God! How long do I have, Doc?The Doctor regards him with a cocked eyebrow.
FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR
About seventy-two hours, Sonny.Sonny regards him with an eyebrowed cock.
SONNY NINO GONZALES
Mother of Christ, why?FREAKY ROBOCAT RECEPTIONIST
These balls, you see... they're
radioactive, and clanking them
together has started a critical
reaction on a sub-atomic level. In
three days time, your testicles
will explode in a fireball the size
of Paris, France.SONNY NINO GONZALES
Paris, France?!HARD CUT TO:
ET-------
EXT. PARIS, FRANCE - DAYA Frenchman swings half-naked from the Eiffel Tower.
FRENCHMAN
J'amor le fromage!He flies into the air. Baguettes sprout from his shoulders
like wings. He sets a course straight for his wife's vagina.CUT BACK TO:
INT. TRANSGENDER CLINIC - NIGHT
Sonny turns the color of something really mad.
SONNY NINO GONZALES
But Doc, why are my testicles
radioactive in the first place?FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR
I know. Kind of stupid of me. I
just grabbed the nearest balls I
could find. I suppose I should
have checked or something.Sonny pulls a .44 Magnum from a holster under his manteats.
SONNY NINO GONZALES
Then I have only decision to make.
Either spend the next seventy-two
hours on a killing spree leaving a
trail of dead chupacabras that
leads straight to the nest of their
queen timed exactly to explode them
all to kingdom-come-lately, or...FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR
Or...?SONNY NINO GONZALES
I go to Broadway and blow up the
musical "Rent."FREAKY ROBOCAT DOCTOR
Only Jesus can tell you what to do.EXT. BROADWAY - DAY
The bustle of Times Square. Men and women hustle to work.
Businessmen grab random bosoms. The bosoms grab back.PAN OVER to find JESUS CHRIST playing the Saxophone on the
corner. He's got a jar full of pennies and promissory notes
at his feet.JESUS CHRIST
Give it up, assholes! The sax put
me back three hundred samoleons.
SAMOLEONS, DAMMIT!Sonny approaches him like Clint Eastwood dressed as Little Bo
Peep would if such a thing were physically possible.SONNY NINO GONZALES
Jesus Christ!JESUS CHRIST
Sonny Ni–o Gonazles! What in the
Sam Hill are you doing here?SONNY NINO GONZALES
I've come to Broadway to blow up
"Rent."JESUS CHRIST
Really? What about all those
chupacabras?Sonny slaps his own forehead!
EXT. THE OLD RANCH - NIGHT
A man's screaming is heard from within the ranch. A light
comes on from within one of the rooms, and a silhouette of a
man rising confusedly quickly vanishes out of sight. The
screaming continues.INT. THE OLD RANCH - CONTINUOUS
A grown POOPUS GONZALES flails wildly, having a nightmare in
his bedroom.POOPUS
No! NOO!! WHAT THE FUCK?!
SERIOUSLY, WHAT-OLD MAN STACHE enters the room, flips a lightswitch his brow
furrowing with weary sympathy for what must be a familiar
sight to him. He grabs Poopus'S foot through the blanket.THE STACHE
Poopus. Wake on up, boy. Come on
and get up.Poopus just goes on flailing and twitching, mumbling
incoherently. The Stache shakes Poopus even harder, almost
crazily, to no visible effect. He then yanks the pillow out
from under Poopus's head, and slams it again and again into
the man's head. Still nothing. The Stache rolls Poopus up
in the cheap mattress, rolls him off the bed and hard into
the wall, following that up with a few elbow drops into the
roll, hard enough to kill a man.THE STACHE (CONT'D)
I SAID GET UP, BOY! Poopus! SON!Poopus rises from the bundle, battered, but more haunted
looking than beaten.POOPUS
Sir, I'm sorry, sir. S'just...THE STACHE
The dream again?POOPUS
The dream again...Poopus goes to the window, looking out at the full moon and
the stars.POOPUS (CONT'D)
With Sonny Gonzales, the robots,
you with that stupid bionic
mustache, and this time Jesus was
in it. Jesus, sir.THE STACHE
That's a stupid dream. Yeah,
that's...I dunno...that's maybe the
stupidest dream I ever did hear
about, ayeh.POOPUS
I don't think it is just a dream,
sir. It feels like something more.
Something stupid, yeah, but more.THE STACHE
Boy, this "sir" business has got ta
stop. You're like a son to
me....my only son, now,
since...well since Skidsy's
accident.The Stache appears to be recalling some former pain, losing
himself to the oncoming tears until a boxing glove covered
fist strikes him hard, knocking him against the wall. We see
a suddenly more chipper Poopus beaming and regarding the
glove on his hand.POOPUS
Look what I found?! Remember
these?!INT. THE OLD RANCH - MORNING
Outside, cows are mooing, and inside, the two men are having
a hearty breakfast. The Stache looks troubled, pensive and
old all in one. Mostly old, because he's pretty goddamned
old and it shows in the way he is cutting his pancakes - not
with a young man's confidence, but with an old man's regrets.THE STACHE
Son, there's something I been
meaning to talk to you about. I'm
getting on in years and, well...we
need to talk about when I'm gone.POOPUS
Where you goin'?The Stache carefully lays down his fork, and wipes pancake
crumbs from his moustache. He regards his ward with
melancholy tenderness.THE STACHE
You know I'm real fond of you,
sport. Why, you're a regular ol'
pardner around the place these
days, and the way you dip them
sheep done me proud. But let's
face it, you just ain't one of
God's chosen, in the brains
department. And I jes' never felt
right, leavin' you--POOPUS (INTERRUPTING)
Hey you gonna eat the rest uh your
flapjack?!The Stache looks tiredly at Poopus, whose mouth is open
slightly, his eyes wide and eager as he waits for news of his
pancake future.The Stache proffers his pancake on the end of his fork.
Poopus gapes and envelops the entire thing in his mouth,
chewing even around the fork as he leans toward the old man,
propped up on his fists, staring, chewing.THE STACHE
...leavin' you on your own. You
understand.POOPUS
Mumph-puh.THE STACHE
And every year, this day would roll
'round, and I'd have to sit it out.
But today, you're finally ready.
Today, Poopus, you are a man.EXT. THE OLD RANCH
Poopus looks on as his elderly patron steps up onto some sort
of small platform; the shot is framed too far in to make out
exactly what it is. The old man strikes his Zippo and lights
a cigar, then reaches up to ignite a burner above his head.Shot from ground up past STACHE, to the hot air balloon
tethered above him. Close shot to his plaid shirt's breast
pocket, as he clips on a laminated badge: BLOONCON 53 : "The
Stache"THE STACHE (SLOWLY ASCENDING, SHOUTING
OVER THE ROAR OF THE BURNER)
Hold down the fort, son! I'll be
back on Monday!Poopus' head tilts back to watch The Stache rise into the
blue. His mouth opens a little as the camera lingers on him.INT. THE OLD RANCH - DAY
Poopus sweeps the kitchen, whistling "The Streets of Laredo"
as he works, prairie dogs and tumbleweeds flee before his
broom.EXT. THE OLD RANCH - AFTERNOON
Poopus is hanging laundry on the line, humming "The Streets
of Laredo". He moseys down the line, pinning up a plaid
shirt, a pair of bluejeans, a set of chaps, a Stetson hat, a
saddle, a sheep, and finally, a beautiful grey moustache,
which causes him to pause. He pins it up tenderly, his
humming faltering and cracking as he becomes choked up.INT. THE OLD RANCH - EVENING
Poopus pulls an old-fashioned clothes iron from the fire, and
swings around to face his ironing board. He is singing "The
Streets of Laredo" in a pleasant tenor.POOPUS
I see by your outfit, that you are
a cowboy.He licks his thumb and touches it to the iron, which sizzles.
Holding the iron in one hand, he reaches down with the other
haul a struggling sheep out of his laundry basket, tossing it
onto the ironing board.POOPUS (CONT'D)
If I had an outfit--JV-------
EXT. THE OLD RANCH - NIGHTThe ranch is engulfed in flame as Poopus looks on, slackjawed
in shock. He holds the iron in one hand. Something
explodes. A charred sheep carcass lands at his feet.POOPUS
FUCK!Poopus grabs what he can in the short time he has before the
entire place is consumed. He grabs an old beaten up backpack,
and tosses into it a Jesus candle, some matches, a
toothbrush, a scuba mask, some Mentos, a jar of shurikens,
and a few articles of clothing. With a flaming wooden leg,
he leaps through the living room window, despite the door
having been blown out.EXT. THE OLD RANCH - CONTINUOUS
Poopus rolls painfully through glass and gravel across the
front yard and then into a nearby horse, which is immediately
engulfed in flames and explodes, launching Poopus back
towards the house, which explodes, expelling him back out to
impact with the front gate. Poopus is motionless on the
floor, the flames from his leg spreading to his clothing
until a figure appears from the dark to extinguish them with
some thrown dirt. MERLE BEARDY, a wizened old man in filthy
overalls shakes Poopus to rouse him. Poopus sits up, his
mustache disheveled, but otherwise intact. He regards Merle
with shock.POOPUS
Old Man Beardy!MERLE BEARDY
I saw the flames, Poopus, and came
as soon as I could. Looks like I'm
too-POOPUS
You are my neighbor!MERLE BEARDY
Uh...yeah, I know. Just look at it
burn. Your pa would just about
shit'imself with hurt to see this.Poopus kneels in the dirt, head down, hands buried in the
smoldering remains of the exploded horse.POOPUS
I...I've let you down, pa. I'm
sorry. I'm so sorry.MERLE BEARDY
That ain't your pa, Poopus. That's
a horse all blown up. Come on, you
can stay with me at my place.Poopus, tears in his eyes, looks back at Merle standing
there, an immense erection pushing against the weathered
denim of the old man's overalls.POOPUS
No...no thanks Merle. I-MERLE BEARDY
Please. Oh, god please come over.POOPUS
Jesus Christ...god. Uh, no..no,
Merle. I gotta make this right.
Gotta make this right somehow.INT. TOOLSHED - NIGHT
Lit by the burning ranch, Poopus rolls an old Segway out, and
hops on. He revs at the handlebar, but the Segway only
sputters. MERLE appears at the shed door.POOPUS
Dammit! Work! Come on, old boy.MERLE BEARDY
That old thing hasn't worked in
years, son. Why don't you come
over to my place and-The SEGWAY roars to life, and without another word, Poopus
races off, leaving MERLE in a cloud of dust. He blasts
through the front gate and zooms down the road, MERLE stands
in front of the burning ranch, eyes full of a powerful
sadness. He raises his arms to the heavens.MERLE BEARDY (CONT'D)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!The entire ranch grounds let loose in a monstrous explosion
that obliterates everything around it, swallowing Merle and
all.TRAVEL MONTAGE:
Poopus rides into the night, the desert scrolling in the
distance. Other riders on Segways go by. The moon in
different positions as the ride goes on. Poopus, goggles
over his eyes, welding his broken down Segway on the side of
the road as other rides pass, laughing as they leave him in
clouds of dust. Poopus putting on a leather jacket as a burly
biker type holds his hand out for pay. Poopus nods grimly
and pours a few Mentos in the man's hand. The two laugh.
Poopus lying down for some sleep. The sleep is troubled,
Poopus muttering as he flails. The camera pushes into the
upset of his face until there is only blackness and dreams.Wow. Was that somethin' or what? I know I won't be sleeping easily tonight, thinking of all the various levels this story exists on.