Tag Archives: Twittin’s

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-01-23

  • onyX gave me +10 to kicking Safari’s crashing ass. If it was a sword I’d be posing with it over my head right now. Posing anyhow #
  • The first thing @cunch said before showing me this in person was “This is not for you”, knowing I’d want it. http://tinyurl.com/85bjtw #
  • Other game systems need miscreant mascots like the 360’s ‘Xbox Taco Assailant’. Put on your Helm of Brainstorming and get this shit done. #
  • PS3 Burrito Murderer? The Nintendo DS Sausage Ronin? The PSP McMuffin Rapist? I’m seeing a fighting game in this. #
  • @fredrin Jeezus…christ. in reply to fredrin #
  • Remember, it has to be a console name followed by some kind of socially approved edible matter, then the type of deviant behavior. Got it? #
  • So far Atari’s gotten the worst of it from you lot. The Atari Chorizo Child Molester? Atari Hamburger Fucker? Good god, guys. Well done! #
  • @3liza I’ve only burning hot, mushy cash, but I would gladly “spoon” it over for such things. in reply to 3liza #
  • Watching ‘Man on Wire’. Recognizing some favorite Michael Nyman pieces from “A Zed & Two Noughts” and “The Piano” so far. Fun. #
  • That dream again, where the headphones are nailed to my head playing ‘Enter Sandman’ and I’m having angry sex with a howling party clown. #
  • @zoetica showed me a Q&A video of the Venture Brothers creators and I was confused by the lack of awful, barely coherent questions. in reply to zoetica #
  • R.I.P Bob May. May you CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY in the next world. #
  • @JeffCarlisle I believe he is, yes. Did Robot’s voice in that horrible 1998 Lost in Space. Cool robot though. in reply to JeffCarlisle #
  • @3liza You’re just jealous of…of…Oh please end my hell. I’m helping you aim the shotgun at my head like at the end of ‘The Fly’. in reply to 3liza #
  • Wondering what sort of Australian experience I will have in March. Will it be Rabbit Proof Fence or Road Warrior? Picnic at Hanging Rock? #
  • I know a lot of you wonder what I’m like when not bullshitting your horrible selves, but the truth is pretty plain in the end: SOLARBABIES. #
  • But who ISN’T a compound being comprised of cheap looking child actors roller-skating in the desert with the female villain from Superman 2? #
  • If you’re too young or ignorant to know what ‘Solarbabies’ is, please just don’t even try to make jokes, yeah? Know your vital history. #
  • I have chosen a random direction to walk away from my house in and shall not deviate from this course, regardless of what is in my way. #
  • So far, so good. Just a fire hydrant I had to jump over about a block back. Worried about that freeway up ahead. #
  • Heavy traffic good. Simply walked over tops of vehicles and the head of one angry motorcyclist. Am now swimming through a backyard pool. #
  • Stomped through some kid’s “castle” in their sandbox. Was barely a semblance of the real thing, anyhow, as though no research was done. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-01-16

  • @Glinner So long as you play with friends, or the proper enemies, it’s great. But jumping into random games is a horrid, painful thing. in reply to Glinner #
  • Having gathered enough info from all of you, it would seem the most popular post-apocalypse wear is pink capri pants and uggs. Awful. #
  • @rikkisimons best movie about dragons, agreed, but I’d put Reign of Fire’s beasties on top of that meager list. Slayer gets a bit muppety. in reply to rikkisimons #
  • @Glinner Depends, actually. Playing with strangers on Xbox Live can be like being stuffed into an outhouse with soccer hooligans. in reply to Glinner #
  • Proof that there is no god, or that whatever god you think loves you actually hates you more than you can know: http://tinyurl.com/9bhowj #
  • I have speakers mounted on my shoulders, and a girly-sticker-covered Macbook Pro running Songsmith strapped to my chest. Watch out world. #
  • Defense agencies trying to stop me, but their weapons are useless against my Songsmith field. Rockets drop impotently from the sky. #
  • Hired assassins crumple, shitting, to their knees as I croon lethargically about radioactive towels and hating my shrill banshee-daughter. #
  • @rikkisimons It also has a a score that contains an almost note for note section from Elfman’s Batman theme. Strange place for an homage. in reply to rikkisimons #
  • A few things that bother me about the Songsmith ad. Dad has a daughter that looks around 11 or so and he’s never heard her sing? #
  • Is that just bleak or what? Dad cocks his head like a confused dog at the noises his usually dead, unfeeling daughter is emitting? #
  • 4,000 followers? And not one of you has offered to bake me a pie? I don’t pay you to sit around and not bake me pies, people. #
  • I’ve just been informed that, apparently, I don’t pay you at all. Sorry about the misunderstanding, guys. Carry on! #
  • Currently running along rooftops like superheroes do, stumbling and flopping off, crushing someone’s cat, just like in the classic tales. #
  • I’m in terrible pain. Cat’s skull fragments embedded in my thigh muscle. Explaining to some kid that I’m a superhero, but he keeps crying. #
  • @rikkisimons That’s a long soundtrack, man. Your loved ones will be standing around in agony for awhile after you breath your last. in reply to rikkisimons #
  • @3liza is confused as to why @warrenellis doesn’t get responses like mine despite the fact that he’s a much more horrible man than I. in reply to 3liza #
  • @zoetica I’m not sure that’s really him. Why would Tom Waits incessantly tweet bits of his own lyrics? Hell, even I’m not the real me. in reply to zoetica #
  • Never saw the Beastmaster, and I’m actually glad I waited long enough for this re-imaginineering of it: http://tinyurl.com/9ubpef #
  • In the end, though, aren’t we ALL making songs with Songsmith? Dad? #
  • @Nickrob Anything to further the cause of murdering people with a bag of kittens. Well done! in reply to Nickrob #
  • @fredrin You’re alright still. It’s only 1:08 here, so, in my dimension, you’re not breaking your rules. It’s like in Gremlins. in reply to fredrin #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-01-09

  • @deadzebra You’re living the future I dread. Currently streaming episode 2 of season 3. Terrified. in reply to deadzebra #
  • @asmadasbirds Presumptuous woman, Cameron’s charms worked on ME, so it does work. How can you resist his Growing Painsy style? How?? in reply to asmadasbirds #
  • The only thing that would up the thick, nightly fog that’s been hitting L.A is maggot-eyed pirate ghosts and John Carpenter synths. #
  • @asmadasbirds Not permeating is how it starts. It’s insidious in its genius. Next thing you know you’re playing the Left Behind video game in reply to asmadasbirds #
  • @asmadasbirds Video games AND creepy creationist propaganda? Of course I know of such a thing! Terrifying you is just a perk of my trade. in reply to asmadasbirds #
  • @warrenellis The new Doctor, eh? You’d better brush up on your goggle eyed expressions and psychotic mood swings. in reply to warrenellis #
  • Cleaning out the spit-valve on all of my drawing pencils is probably the least favorite part of my day, as my spit tends to burn and scar. #
  • I don’t know about you other artists out there, but I’m awful at cleaning out the fetid crumb pan under my drafting table. #
  • Neck crazy sore from using traditional eraser-sombrero. Neck hideously over-muscled now as a result. I hate the trappings of my trade. #
  • I feel like we’re really sharing something here, complete strangers I’d probably not let into my house. I really do. #
  • I regaled someone today with recollections of when the “curly fry” craze first started, detailing it’s spread across America. I hate myself #
  • I’m on the ledge of my building now, realizing what an empty, ineffective life I’ve led. I don’t even like curly fries. Fuck this world. #
  • Well, I jumped and died, but I regenerate, just like in that show, The Golden Girls, and now I’m all good, so you just relax already. Geez. #
  • I’m a bit worried that I got some genuine messages of concern for my “jumping due to curly fries” tweet. Come on, guys. Get off my bus. #
  • Alright, dropped those people off at the Humor Camp. The rest of you, coming with me for some hardcore hot dog water chugging action. #
  • I see some of you claim to not WANT to chug boiling hot dog water. Claim to be allergic, that you’ll “die”. Well tough shit, kids. CHUG. #
  • @rstevens I’m Mexican, which is pretty much the same as Polish and Irish, and I think you’re making it up, man. in reply to rstevens #
  • Everyone around me is sick and getting sicker. It’s tiresome. S’been like this since I escaped from that bio-warfare lab as a child #
  • I think it’s fantastic that drm free music is the norm on iTunes now, and that I can now pay more for it than on the Amazon mp3 store. #
  • @warrenellis ‘The Goat, the Bacon and the Dildo’ was my favorite golden book as a child. in reply to warrenellis #
  • Alright, guys. You can stop chugging hotdog water now. Frankly, the gagging sounds are making me sick, and the floor is all soggy. #
  • I said stop! No! Put that jug down! Oh, god, please stop! What have I done? What briny horror have I created here? Oh stinking world! #
  • Alright, guys. No more nonsensing about. From now on, this Twitter really is being used for purely factual, mind-numbing, personal info. #
  • I’m writing this from the can, by the way. Are you happy now? Are you happy that you have broken through and are knowing the real me? #
  • Mind you, it’s not like I’m actually USING the can (which I simply don’t anymore). I just sit on it, head in my hands, for hours, crying. #
  • Mind you, it isn’t a sorrowful crying, either. Nay, ’tis a joyful tear I shed for life is wonderful here in my bathroom. Just wonderful. #
  • Pondering the big questions while watching Beyond Thunderdome, like what my post-apocalyptic fashion sense would be. It’s important stuff. #
  • Would it be the armor made from tires? Doll parts? Samurai touches? Weighty Chain-mail? A midget on my back? Think about it, people. #
  • Don’t let the post-apocalypse catch you off guard. Figure out your style now and impress your friends and enemies with your foresight. #
  • I’d have body armor made from hand puppets I found in a bin at the Aquarium, and offset the affect with a helmet made from a gutted dwarf. #
  • Just brainstorming, though. I’m not settled on that last idea. How about you guys? #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-01-02

  • Finally saw ‘Let The Right One In’. Lovely, understated and charming, in its odd way. Four thumbs up (all on the same hand). #
  • Freezing cold midnight at a lonely grocery store parking. A man selling power tools, lined up on the floor in the spot next to his SUV. #
  • @cunch I’m going to make you watch that ‘Clockwork Orange’ style while I sit safely away, sipping tea between maniacal laughter. in reply to cunch #
  • ShortHorrorTheater:Man, sick of the abuse from strangers on XboxLive, enrolls in a pottery class. Instructor calls him a ‘fuckin’ faggot’. #
  • Since none of you got me a new doomsday cannon for Christmas, I;m just going to have to fire up the old one from last year. Thanks. #
  • The bee tie @Cunch got me for Christmas, when worn, seems to attract a cloud of angry bees. It’s cool and all, but my throat’s all swollen. #
  • Remember that amazing Chicago’s Cupcakes place I linked to a while back? Well they closed down. Everyone begin the mass suiciding now. #
  • Little, portable MyBook drive, you look red and claim to be red on the package, but removing you reveals a great deal of pink. I hate you. #
  • Mistake made. Pink interior turned out to be ambrosia salad. Buying a hard drive from the grocery store seemed suspect. Still cost $90. #
  • Went out with a girl from Singapore for a bit, but she was nowhere near as awesome as this guy or SARS: http://tinyurl.com/764xzt #
  • 1.Shane Acker makes great looking movie. 2. Tim Burton acts as producer. 3. Idiots call it a Tim Burton movie. http://tinyurl.com/7vqh96 #
  • @smurray brings this to my attention, putting a smile on my hideous, hideous face: http://tinyurl.com/8d2erx #
  • I’m getting quite good at this mini Guitar Hero guitar with the built-in sounds that came from the Mini Wheats. Hot bitches, here I come. #
  • I’m running around in the streets “rocking out” with this zippo-sized guitar, doing the splits and the hot bitches seem to want none of me. #
  • @blackbirdpirate Why is my desperate need to be loved for my ability to rock so funny? in reply to blackbirdpirate #
  • One splits too many. Still rocking, but without the use of my broken legs. Dragging myself on bloody elbows, the tiny guitar compels me. #
  • @rikkisimons It’s still the most science fictiony of the movies, too, and that Goldsmith score is freakishly pretty. in reply to rikkisimons #
  • Attempted too late to rock the entire world before the year’s end. Battery inside tiny guitar is dying. I am dying. Need energon cubes. #
  • Tried to pass on my power to another by jamming the tiny guitar into their chest. They died from a crushed heart and collapsed lungs. Fuck #
  • @stephenfry Sounds like the scene from that interminable King Kong remake, only without Jack Black there to mug the camera. Or is he? in reply to stephenfry #
  • Final burst of life energy lifting me off the ground as I play the final chords on tiny guitar. I burn with a power too stupid to describe. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2008-12-26

  • In the end, I think it all just comes down to badass, cyborg wienermobile. http://tinyurl.com/5bd77k #
  • No more handholding you through other wiener-dog stuff, kids. Just go on and follow @ECTOPLASMOSIS! already. You’re old enough now. #
  • It’d be much easier to follow them if I posted the right link to their Twitter, huh? I bet it would. @ectomo #
  • Michael McDonald vampire is even better than wiener dogs. http://tinyurl.com/479t95 #
  • How did I manage all this Christmas traffic before I attached the cowcatcher to my car? #
  • Preparing to tell you all the most spine-chilling Christmas tale ever devised to cure even the worst sufferers of megacolon. #
  • So turn down the dimmer on your lights and put on your traditional rubber Christmas slacks, and get ready for a descent into terror. #
  • To plummet into the very worst of your merry nightmares, if you will. If you won’t then disregard this and enjoy the cake in the next room. #
  • Now that those assholes are dying of poisonous cake, the rest of us can get on with knowing the very heart of seasonal horror. Neat, huh? #
  • Okay, hold on. The EPA is on the phone, worried about irreparable damage to the earth that all the unleashed horror would cause. #
  • A bit saddened and somewhat offended that some of my readers would think I’d repeat the Halloween Story debacle of ’08. Come on, guys. #
  • Little Broken Timmy, a tiny, malformed reader in a wheelchair even wrote to ask if the rumors of my procrastinating on this story were true. #
  • Aghast, I told him not to listen to such ugly slander , and to put the helmet I got him back on, for he’s a monstrous thing to behold. #
  • To be honest, lil’ Tim’s in the chair BECAUSE of this story, last time I told it, so I’m having second thoughts now. Feeling bad now. #
  • @rstevens Back to My Mac worked maybe once for me on a trip to the bay area about a year ago. Friends are sick of me swearing it happened. in reply to rstevens #
  • ShortHorrorTheater:Man dressed as Santa enters house to surprise his kids only to find them half eaten as the real Santa rushes out the door #
  • I keep trying to crawl through strangers’ windows with a dirty garbage bag full of presents but nobody wants me in. What am I doing wrong? #
  • Am I using the wrong style of ‘Christmas Brick’ to announce my impending flop through the shattered window or something? #
  • Does this mean I can expect a bucket of pig’s blood being dropped on my head at the ceremony? http://shortyawards.com/user/JhonenV #