A while back I had the vague suspicion that I was the owner of a Something Awful forums account, and I was right, repeating this strange cycle of forgetting about that account until someone brings it up once every hundred years or so. Â Normally I avoid forums like they’re a flesh-eating plague, or that ridiculous body-liquifying thing on Fringe that pretty much looked like the gummi-bodies in the first X-Files movie only without sweet, sweet aliens in their guts. Â Man, I hate things…
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Included in Graham Linehan’s lil’ Tumblelog, along with other sundry items the man finds of interest, is a link to a short story that’s been a favorite of mine since it was passed along to me by a fine specimen of thinking meat some years back.
Linehan created Father Ted and the IT Crowd, and the fact that he mentions the story guarantees him more real estate in Creator Heaven above and beyond the floating palace he earned just for the scene in which Father Jack uses an adorable little puppy to wipe the vomit from his face.
Look what’s in the Chicago Tribune and tremble before the most enormous-headed manifestation of evil ever to scar the minds of all it touches.
I should retroactively reconstruct my stories of creating GIR to specifically involve doing it just to see how cosplayers would deal with the unwieldy design in real world situations, much to amusement and horror of people around them, always on guard should the cosplayer teeter and fall over, hurting themselves badly.
When I’m feeling down, and nothing seems to be going my way, there are few things anyone can do to lift my spirits.  Most friends know not to try unless they dig having burning pea-soup style vomit spewed all over them, like in that scene with the priest exorcising the demons from whatserface in that movie, ‘Annie’. Â
But there are some things that work: People in animal mascot costumes getting hurt to the point of unconsciousness, not at all convincing fake bodies in movies standing in for real people, and the little doodles people draw in the corners and edges of their sketchbooks that are usually way more interesting than the main attractions.
And then there’s this. Â This… indescribable sonic dagger you hear before you. Â No idea where it came from originally, but J.R. Goldberg passed it along to me long ago after receiving it from a dying uncle who swore listening to the song granted you magic powers, or killed you seven days after listening to it or something. Â Not sure which.
I hope you feel better now. Â Or dead.
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Woah there, Clickiford! Before you hit play on that lil’ video there, indulge me a moment and hear the tale of my finding it.
INT. THE STORYTELLING ROOM – NIGHT
JHONEN sits next to a warm fire, the wire mesh over the fireplace keeping the wee children from shambling into the dangerous flame should they tire of his meandering tales, while simultaneously keeping the lesser of the young ones from escaping the unimaginable death that being trapped in the fireplace means. The smell of-
Okay, nevermind the screenplay format. Moving on…
So a friend is over, and I’m showing them the latest version of Piclens in Firefox.  They’re oohing and ahhing, because Piclens is just pretty great, and I’m feeling like Prometheus giving fire to the humans so they can start disfiguring themselves horribly in countless attempts to impress their friends by lighting fireworks in their anuses.  So, in Piclens, I do a search for “baby goats”, having recently watched ‘The Story of the Weeping Camel’, and you can never really get enough baby goats, and a hideous preview image of a man in a tub of shit, or blood, or bloody shit doing something questionable to Alf scrolls in, impressively mind you, thanks to the effects in Piclens, and we start watching it, just as you are about to do…now.
Now, here’s the thing…just a few seconds into watching it, I clicked on the icon to view it on the actual youtube page, which through some funny behavioral quirk, gave me two tabs both playing the same video. Â The entire time, unbeknownst to me, Â the audio is doubling up turning this masterpiece of dirty clownage into a haunting nightmare soundscape that silenced me for way too long, looking over my shoulder wondering if maybe someone had slipped me something at the Ramen place earlier in the night (you know how those Japanese chefs are). Â Anyhow, to literally double the impact this video has, I suggest you open up two instances of it in individual tabs, and start playing both slightly out of sync. Â
I imagine that viewing the video in this fashion simulates the way kids who start fires in churches experience the universe.
(Update: Â Looks like the video got pulled thanks to a certain lack of appreciate of the finer things in life by the Youtube folks, so do try to enjoy the rest of the equally lovely work to be found on GOATWORSHIP’s page. )