Remember when the world was young, you still had hope in your hearts and a certain terrifying King of Pop still scuttled amongst us? The year was 2008, and the place was this very Mindspill, where we all gathered with love and joy in our hearts to celebrate the commencement of the very first (and thus far ONLY) DEATHMATCH.

The plan, back in those innocent early days, was to have people submit artwork based on certain guidelines per contest that they might win such incredible prizes as posters and the freedom of their loved ones. Well, a lot more time than was expected has passed and those loved ones are just cartoon skeletons dangling from chains in what is now a storage room.

Let’s not get hung up on whose fault it is that it’s taken so long for me to actually come back to the DEATHMATCH judging, though, yeah? I mean, it’s probably your fault, and I’m okay with that, so if I can be so big as to let that offense go then so can you. Good.

Originally, the plan was to name the top three for the general category of “BEST STUFF” and then do a scathing critique with a few other artists of the submissions in general, just to make things a bit more fun than simply slobbering over stuff that was genuinely awesome. That last part was harder to wrangle than you might think, and getting the people together for a communal rant was just a huge pain in the ass.  In the end, however, I decided to pick a single winner for each of three categories.

BEST COMIC .  Just what it sounds like. Something that just worked best in a comic format and showed that someone knew their shit when it came to taking some words and telling a tiny story or scene with them.

FUNNIEST.  Quality wasn’t so much the goal here so much as just making with the laughs.

BEST IMAGE.  A single image, non comic format, something that showed particular skill or a way with composition and clowns.

The overall submissions gave me a good idea of how to go about the guidelines for subsequent DEATHMATCH contests, however, and that’s a good thing that came out of this fun lil ordeal

All in all, I gotta say there’s some great talent out there in the readership, as well as some people that should have their arms broken, or their feet (since that’s probably what they used to make their submissions). A diverse group, really and I’m both honored and disgusted (depending) to have you lot around. Alright, mostly I’m disgusted, but its those few gems that make it bearable!

Most of the submissions were put into the running, while a few were thrown out for not following the rules.  The most broken rule was the one where I said not to draw me as a character or to draw the submission using what people think my “style” would be.  Second most broken rule was the no anime style rule.

One of the new guidelines will definitely be to outlaw drawings done on binder paper and then photographed using cell phone cameras.  Gotta up the quality of this thing, dig?  There’s funny-bad, and then there’s just bad bad, and there was a whole lot of just bad bad in the bunch.

BEST COMIC:  ANASTASIS TSIATSIOS

This was one of the earliest submissions, and it was a favorite from the start.  Here’s why:  It’s just slick.  Whether or not you like the style in particular, the style is simply polished for what it is.  Me, I love the look of the thing, and I appreciate the interpretation of my stupid words into something more surreal and genuinely finished looking.  Looked into this guy a bit, believing there was no way they weren’t already a published artist, because that’s what a piece like this appears to be.  Amidst a sea of submissions drawn on binder paper or photographed using a 1 megapixel cell phone camera, something like this stands out.  I’d dig seeing more work from Anastasis Tsiatsios. Next contest I do, every submission should be from them.  You hear me, Anastasis Tsiatsios?!

Tough Choice in This Category:  NASTYNOSER

Well done, Nastynoser (if that is your REAL name).  When I asked people which of the comic format submissions they liked, this one came up a lot, and I know why :  It’s that fourth panel with the little girl hula hooping, the strongest panel in the whole strip.  Her posture, that wicked little look on her face, and the isolation in the frame, just hilarious.  She knows something you do not.

Notable Entries in this Category:

Unknown (nice cartooning there), Unknown (funny for how hideous it is)

`

FUNNIEST SUBMISSION:  PABLO PRAINO

Alright, I’m gonna just say it right out – This thing isn’t going to win awards for having a pretty face.  Its muddy, smudgy and…well…just overall “mudgy”.  That said, I love this submission.  Everyone loves this submission.  While feeling waves of evulsion for the murky colors and such, they’re also laughing, proclaiming this the funniest piece in all the land (It’s a pretty small land, mind you, and we import most of our necessary goods what with us not having and major industrial or agricultural output).  Anyhow, just look at what’s happening there!  As literal as the interpretation of the words is, Praino just ups the energy and really lets us see the very moment, the very SECOND that Bigfoot turns the tables on this obsessed Bigfoot hunter that looks like Jay from Jay and Silent Bob.  The extended finger, the “OOO” mouth on Bigfoot, and the fact that this revelation has utterly FUCKED Jay up to the core, snapping his tiny mind.  Just look at the guy!  He’s gone INSANE from finding out he’s been the hunted all along.  Sometimes, you just have to be ugly to be funny.  It’s why supermodels are fucking boring unless they’re tripping on the runway.

The Bigfoot tweet was a popular one, and almost all of the submissions based on it were pretty funny.

Notable entries in this category:

Griffin Prall, thebadgergrymm

BEST IMAGE:  MADDIE WILKINSON

Clown.  Bile.  Hellraiser-style skinlessness.  What more you need?  Well, ol’ Maddie Wilkinson needed only these things to inspire this horrific work of badassery.  When Aaron Alexovich saw this one, he pointed out one of the best lil’ touches of the thing, that the clown’s shirt was drawn having come open which exposes even more of the nightmarish skinlessness.  Very nice.  The thing’s not without its problems, however.  There are some odd selection halos  especially visible around the tires, and it looks like a strange horizontal chunk has been cut away from the bottom half of the tires themselves.  Still, it’s like Grand Theft Auto  4, where, upon close inspection things aren’t so hot looking, but as a whole it’s just impressive and full of vomiting clowns.

Notable entries in this category:

Erin Pilawski, Gea, Unknown

MOST LIKELY TO BE DRAWN BY A CHILD AS THE RESULT OF HORRIBLE ABUSE:  PSYCHOMAR

This isn’t a prize winning category, but I thought it was worth showing, dig?  Psychomar left an impact on us way back when he submitted some stuff for the Ham Beast thing, and though this one’s a bit more subdued than those earlier entries, it still exemplifies a certain uncanny connection with an emotional damage few of use can ever truly relate to.  They’re like a cross between Wesley Willis drawings and something that would generally get a kid taken into counseling.  Do yourself a favor and look at their Ham Beast drawings for the full effect.  The one of the kid in the room is really the most unpleasant.

Hambeast 1,  Hambeast 2, Hambeast 3 (Actually THIS one’s the most terrifying)

Well, that’s it for the winners and some particularly impressive horrors.  Thanks everyone for your submissions and I’m sorry we didn’t get around to the big critique section, but next time will go more smoothly, I think, and the guidelines will streamline things a bit so that this operation isn’t such a pain in the butt.