Category Archives: nonsense

INVADER ZIM Fact #16

Cooksey. The man. The mullet.

Guess who’s in a hotel room, jacked into the sweet sweet wireless, and writing another ZIM FACT on their laptop and not on their phone? And guess who hit a cop giving a guy a ticket on the side of the freeway and is now waiting in terror of the furious banging on their hotel room door, freezing their ass off because he’s leaving the window open so as to more quickly leap out for a quick getaway like William H. Macy in Fargo?

But that’s just human life and not animated hijinks, so enough about that, yeah?

As I am holed up here, my car hidden behind a Shari’s Restaurant down the street, out of sight and hopefully safe from all but people lurching out and vomiting cheese sticks behind Shari’s, my laptop my only real source of warmth  against the night air blasting through my escape hatch, I can enjoy a bit more time to write this latest entry to do my part for the people of Earth.
Continue reading →

INVADER ZIM Fact #15

Here I am, back in the car, traveling back home from a very successful appearance at the Emerald City Comicon.

Like before, I am writing this using my futuristic iPhone communicator. Unlike before, I am not writing this entry under the influence of my natural inclination to deceive you, softening your understanding of reality, making you easier to utilize for my own nefarious purposes.
Continue reading →

INVADER…oh my god…ZIM Fuuhhhh…FACT #14

I eat too many somethings.

My stomach!  Oh god why did I eat so much pizza?  What the hell was I thinking?

After the con today, we went to a pizza place in the Fremont  district here in Seattle…a place called Kylie’s.  Landry Walker (so called for his crazy habit of walking and not getting everywhere by unicycle like everyone else) told us that it was a kind of offshoot of Little Star Pizza, my favorite pizza joint in San Francisco.

Well, the pizza was great and all, but maybe too great.  I couldn’t stop eating it.

“JHONEN, PLEASE STOP EATING IT!” was the cry coming from everyone in my group, as well as from strangers sitting at other tables and some of the wait staff.

I just laughed at them and kept going, slice after fat, Chicago-style slice.  “You guys should just calm down!” I’d yell back, giggling through a mouth full of dough.

“AAHHAHHAHHAHHAHH!  AAAAAAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHHH!!!!”, I’d go, eyes watering at how stupid they were all being, their faces no longer laughing along with me, now growing more and more upset as they watched me grab for another slice.

An hour later, I wasn’t laughing anymore, but I was still eating.  I was eating and crying and though my hands and mouth went right on in getting more and more pizza into me, my eyes pleaded with the room to stop me, to stop this mockery of a pizza feast.

“H…help me.  Help me to be human.”, I chewed.  By that point, nobody dared go near me.  I was a monster to them, a thing that defied logic and abhorred the natural way of things.

I was beyond salvation.

I don’t even understand how that much pizza got into me when I only have so much stomach room.  It’s…oh fuck…sweet christ.  Alright…it’s passed.  Felt like I was going to throw up just then.  Okay…It’s like the pizza began bypassing my full stomach and was being routed to other, non-digestive tract parts of my body like my calves and elbows or something.  I think that’s what must have happened…yeah.  Yeah, when I mush myself around in those places I can feel pizza in there.

Okay…I’m gonna make it through this.  Just…just don’t look at me while I do it, okay?  You’re making these incredibly uncomfortable faces as you watch me struggle and claw at my guts.  That sick look on your face is going to just push me over the edge and…oh fuck…oh fuck…
Continue reading →

INVADER ZIM Fact #13

Stop reading before you get to the bear stuff.

Man, are you lucky. My travels have settled down a bit and I’ve got more time to make this entry a bit more up to par with what you’ve grown spoiled on and used to. Sometimes, and understandably so, I really wish I could just trade places with you that I might experience the way your heart beats a bit faster and your eyes light up at the prospect of me delivering yet another spoonful of this magic stuff I’m doling out, injecting directly into your heart with a syringe forged in the fire of MT. AWESOME.

Before I get into today’s quality fact infusion, I’ve a few things I want to mention before I do. As you all know, I’m currently in Seattle for the Emerald City Comicon. You probably also know that I am drinking some green tea, wearing only my writing robe, looking down upon the city from up high in my hotel room. I’m looking back on a day of wondrous sights and profound conclusions arrived at. Let me share with you, my ugly children, a few of these things.
Continue reading →

INVADER ZIM Fact #12

Yesterday’s post was the least popular of all, despite it containing

1. Toilets – Everybody uses them
2. Clowns – Everybody hates them
3. Nilbog Milk – Everybody who drinks it turns to goblin food

The drastic drop in readership here is just astounding, and, I’ve got to say, perplexing. I do my damnedest to provide the kind of information that simply cannot be found from any other source (save for possibly a handful of lower order demons) and I’m giving it out for free. FOR FREE!

What more do these people need to stop this mass exodus from my once-packed church of ZIM-truths? Honestly, I don’t know, but I can tell you what I will do in response.

I’m going to double my efforts to enlighten the misinformed children of the intersack, tighten my reign on the rumor-donkey that has thus far bucked off my every attempt to control its ornery ways. I’m going to make that donkey my bitch, and just when that donkey calms down enough for me to look it in the eye, that donkey is going to throw another fit because it’ll know that not only do I want to control it, I want to fuck it.
Continue reading →